can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
