Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
