just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
