we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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