WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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