lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Im part way to drunk.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
