glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
