did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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