i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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