I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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