my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We need a shit load of segways right now
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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