Rock
Scissors
Fuck
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
