So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
