Moan for me like Helen Keller
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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