What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
