left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
