she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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