I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
