I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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