imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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