ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
