There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
