My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
