I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
3 2 1 whiskey
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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