I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
