I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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