OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
