I haven't been this sober since birth.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
