This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
