Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I have fence marks all over my body
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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