My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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