Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
