are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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