I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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