I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
