the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
