It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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