We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
