I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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