What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
