The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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