I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
