Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
