On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
