i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
