I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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