Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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