Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
