Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
