Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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