Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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